The Other Night I Had a Dream About Seminary
I had a dream the other night. I was in a classroom at Alliance Theological Seminary where I had my first panic attack back in the Fall of 2005. In the dream I was sitting in the classroom in full blown panic when all of a sudden a plane crashed into the parking lot.
And then another plane crashed into the other end of the building.
And then another plane crashed into the woods out back.
And then the ceiling started to cave in on top of me.
And then I looked out the window and saw a gigantic machine with extendable arms and it was shooting the arms into the air and grabbing the planes that were taking off from a launchpad of sorts that was in the parking lot.
Dreams are weird. Follow me.
This launchpad was launching planes of students into the air. The students were excited, they had their caps and gowns on and they were clearly headed somewhere that was bringing them much joy. But as soon as the plane would get 1000 or so feet into the air this machine with long arms would grab them and slam them back down onto the campus.
There was fire.
There was smoke.
There was crying.
And then there was a board of seminary officials that I didn't recognize, but they were there off to the side with smiles on their faces, giving their approval and praise of this machine that was pulling students back down to earth, keeping them confined to the boundaries of the campus. They were clearly proud of this thing that they had created.
Me?
I was running for my life. I called my wife and said, "I'll never be able to get out of here in a plane - I need to run."
And so I ran.
And I ran.
And I ran.
And I ran.
I kept running and running all the way down the hill, onto the highway, and out of sight of the school. I began to sweat, to gasp for air. My legs hurt. My eyes were blurry. Finally I collapsed on the pavement as cars blew by me at 80mph and then my wife and daughter pulled up, dragged me into the car, and brought me home where I rested as they told me over and over again, “we love you, you are OK.”
And then I woke up.
I had this dream, I think, because for a long time the powers that be from my past have been dissatisfied with my spiritual evolution. A few have been supportive, but the majority have not.
Some have sent me private messages about their concern that I no longer believe in hell.
Others have just stopped contacting me all together.
There was that time I questioned “the atonement”.
A bunch, I’ve been told, talk about me behind my back.
A handful have commented on my posts simply to tell me that they disagree with me or that I'm wrong, misguided, misinformed, etc.
I've tried to expand my thinking.
I've tried to evolve in my understanding.
And I've tried to explain to people how I got to where I am and how truly freeing it has been.
But over these last few years every time I mustered up the courage to get into one of those planes on the launchpad and was launched into the future, I felt these gigantic metal arms of dissatisfaction grab me and drag me back to the confines of the theological boundaries that I was brought up in as I sensed the disapproval of professors, fellow students, pastors, etc.
I think my inner self was trying to tell me that I need to run.
My podcast is my attempt to do that - it's my attempt to buck the system and declare that if I can't fly beyond the boundaries and soar to greater places, I'll use my own 2 feet and walk. I'll run if I have to. I'll run until I can't run anymore. I'll use every ounce of my strength to make it out to the highway where everyday people are driving by ...
Some people who have questions about God.
Some people who have doubts about God.
Some people who don't believe in God at all.
Some people who have been hurt and abused by the Bible.
Some people who will never step foot in a church again.
Some people who have 0 trust for pastors, church leaders, etc.
... I'll use all of my strength to run out to where they are and be a source of encouragement in letting them know that they are loved just the way they are, that their questions are OK, that their doubts are welcome, that the abuse they received is unacceptable.
Out to the freeway where I can be free to ...
Ask my own questions.
Expand my own ideas.
Express my own doubts.
Rethink what I believe.
Explore the history of my faith.
... Without the confines of the boundaries of the school or denomination or whatever that I left behind.
AND.
My family - my wife and my daughter ... I am not alone. They, along with my parents, are there with me ... to pick me up when I feel weak, to carry me when my legs can't carry myself.
I don't usually remember my dreams, but this one was very vivid and the "application" of what it might mean came to me the moment I opened my eyes.
How about you, friend? What system is holding you back from asking questions? What board of people has expressed their dissatisfaction with you? What theological doctrines have you been chained to, unable to question?
The powers that be will tell you that running away means that you're misguided, that you're on a slippery slope to nowhere good.
BUT.
Perhaps that's all a fear tactic, perhaps those words are just long metal arms that are trying to grab you and drag you back to earth, back to the confines of the institution or system that raised you. Perhaps running hurts and causes you to pant not because you're wrong or misguided or evil, but because you're learning to use muscles and ideas and thoughts, and pieces of your mind and heart that you've never used before, that you were always taught are off-limits.
This podcast, friends, and our Facebook Group ... may it be for you what my wife and daughter were for me in my dream - a safe place to pick you up when you can't run anymore, a place to rest and know that you are loved and accepted just the way you are, a place to remind you that you're not alone.
Much love,
PS - did this encourage you? Please consider making a one time contribution at BUY ME A COFFEE.