I'm Tired of Being Angry

Friends.

I’m tired of being angry.

When I stood on the RIGHT as a staunch Republican-Voting-Fundamentalist-Evangelical, I was mad at the world because the Devil was in everything that wasn’t of God* and I was taught to wield my prayers, my energy, and my anger at “him” and everything he had his hands in.

(* I should say, “of MY UNDERSTANDING of God”)

I was mad at Democrats.

I was mad at “non-Christians”.

I was mad at Christians who didn’t think like I did.

I was mad at Pro-Choicers.

I was mad at astrologers.

Heck.

I can even remember standing in Barnes and Noble browsing through the “Christian Inspiration” section and looking over with a super judgemental eye at people who were scanning the “New Age” section, looking at Tarot Card, books on Witchcraft, etc.

“Look at that person, so lost and sad. I can’t imagine being like her/him.”

I didn’t bother talking to them.

Didn’t ask them any questions.

Didn’t even try to “evangelize” them.

… I just scoffed.

But then I started to “deconstruct” and rethink my faith, my spirituality, my life and I moved over the Left where I became more of a Democrat-ish-Voting-Fundamentalist-Progressive.

Yes, still Fundamentalist.

Why?

Because (although I didn’t see it then), even though I moved from the Right to the Left - it was still my way or the highway.

You believe in hell? Get lost!

You support the MAGA Agenda? Ew!

You think the Bible is inerrant? Laughable!

You don’t believe that women should have a choice? Mysoginist!

You’re gonna quote Leviticus at me? Homophobe!

I hate to admit it (but I will, because it’s true) - I might have switched “sides” and I might have evolved in my beliefs, my thoughts, my ideas, etc … but I brought the exact same judgemental, hateful (yes, it was hateful), angry energy with me.

I was angry while on the Right.

I was (still) angry while on the Left.

And then earlier this year (like February-ish) I had this thought that I didn’t really share with anyone - “I don’t want to become the thing that I left, I don’t want to continue to house the same energy that I so desire to leave behind - the energy that I’ve had all of my life, the energy that clearly doesn’t work. Being angry at everything is exhausting and … I’m tired, tired of it. I wonder if there’s another way to be?”

As I said, I kept those thoughts quiet - I kept them to myself. Why? Because just as when I stood on the Right and started to rethink my faith … I felt like there was no safe place to bring my thoughts.

Just as there’s no place in the Evangelical world to bring thoughts like …

“I don’t believe in hell.”

“I don’t believe the Bible is the Word of God.”

“I don’t believe Jesus rose from the dead.”

There aren’t many safe places on the Left to bring thoughts like …

(*GULP*)

Maybe I don’t need to be so angry at the Right.

Maybe I don’t have to mock Trump supporters.

Maybe I don’t have to demonize everyone with a Trump sign on their lawn.

Maybe I don’t have to put people who believe in hell and Biblical inerrancy “in their place”.

Maybe there’s another way.

In fact, I dropped some hints here and there in various blog posts, social media posts/comments/etc … and got some MAJOR (really angry) pushback from my more Progressive-minded friends.

Most recently I got “that email” that I wrote about a couple of weeks back where I was told that my emphasis on oneness and unity and kindness and compassion is “a special kind of vile”.

Yikes.

And so I kept my thoughts to myself - for when I felt safe enough, confident enough, courageous enough to open myself up and share where I’m at.

All that to say, here I am almost 9 months later …

After 9 months of thinking.

9 months of wondering.

9 months of hoping.

9 months of recongizing that angry energy in myself.

… Wondering if maybe I’m entering into another season or into another layer of deconstruction where rather than deconstructing from one side to another, if I’m maybe about to deconstruct into no side at all - a place in life where there is no US vs. THEM, but just … US.

Yes, US.

Oneness.

Unity.

Interconnectedness.

Because on the RIGHT, it’s about our side and how bad the LEFT is.

And.

On the LEFT (very often), it’s about our side and how bad/dumb/lost/misguided/mysoginist/homophobic/racist the RIGHT is.

No matter what side I stand on …

The other side is demonized.

The other side is looked down upon.

The other side is shamed.

We’re ANGRY at the other side.

Our side is right.

“What good is it?”, I’m wondering - right this moment, as I type this. These thoughts are all very fresh. 9 months old, like I said - I’m just beginning to vocalize them and so it feels like an entire new language to me. “Maybe there’s another way. I deconstructed from the Right to the Left, but now … perhaps I’m deconstructing yet again, but out of the Left and into something else? Is it even possible? Is there anything else? I can only hope there is.”

Am I alone here? Is anyone with me? Do you hope for something more? Different?

Because, honestly …

Has the anger of the Right made anyone less angry?

Has the anger of the Left made anyone less angry?

Has the anger of either side really changed anything for the long run?

Sure.

Things might get “better” for one side or the other for a while, but has all of this anger and yelling and judgement and finger pointing and resisting and picketing … has it created even an ounce of lasting change for EVERYBODY?

Yes, EVERYBODY.

Because.

Honestly.

If things aren’t better for ALL OF US, are they really all that better for any of us?

Hm.

I’m not convinced.

The other day I came across this quote from Marianne Williamson in her book “A Return to Love” where she says,

I spent years as an angry left-winger before I realized that an angry generation can’t bring peace. I thought Ronald Reagan was wrong to judge communists, but I thought it was okay for me to judge him. Why? Because I was right, of course.

Oof.

This quote made me feel less crazy, less alone … more hopeful. Hopeful? Yes, hopeful - hopeful that there is another way, hopeful that I don’t need to stand on one side or the other, hopeful that I can bring about real, lasting change without being angry, without being judgemental, without shaming and yelling and ridiculing people who think differently than me, without creating and then demonizing “the other”.

What’s that look like?

Beats me. I’m out to learn, and I’m grateful you’re here with me.

To stay in tune with the “What If Project” …

WHAT IF there’s something to this?

WHAT IF unity and oneness and compassion CAN work?

WHAT IF this is the way to real, lasting change - for everyone, everywhere.

WHAT IF an angry generation really can’t bring about peace?

What if?

One thing I will say, and this is really important - this approach, this path that I’m on, this thing that I’m exploring … I’m here because it’s where MY intution has led me.

My journey.

My path.

My intution.

And so, if you’re not here yet or this path isn’t for you or your intution is leading you to take a strong stand on the Left or the Right or on some other path? So be it - follow your own inner voice, you will get no judgement from me.

Those sides and those paths stopped working for me, but that doesn’t mean they need to stop working for you. I’m not here to tell you that you need to follow me, be like me, etc.

Not at all.

I’m just trying to stay true to my path, my journey, and follow the inner voice where it may lead … AND I hope you’ll do the same on your own journey.

Anyways.

Here’s what I’m reading now. There are so many resources out there to explore regarding love, compassion, unity, Oneness and although I have a long, long list to make my wy through - here’s where I’m beginning …

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Cherished Belonging by Gregory Boyle

Sage Warrior by Valarie Kaur

How about you? If you’re on this journey of love and unity and bridge-building, what’s on your resource list?

Much love.

Glenn Siepert