Jesus Is Not My Savior
I love Jesus. Let me start with that. I talk to Jesus daily. When I pray, I do so with Jesus in mind. For me, he is a manifestation of the Divine that I can read about and (therefore) …
Imagine.
SEE in my mind’s eye.
FEEL with my mind’s touch.
EXPERIENCE with all of my mind’s senses.
I fell in love with Jesus when I was in the 4th grade and Mrs. Muller was telling us stories of his life in (my Private Christian School) Bible class. I don’t remember what the stories were, but I do remember having this distinct sense that the stories she was telling us were much more important than even she realized.
I remember thinking to myself, “it’s so odd to me that this story is like 2,000 years old. Why is it still here? Why is it still being told? Why has this story been of so much interest to so many people for so long?”
I had a sense that Jesus was bigger than the Church.
Bigger than Christianity.
Bigger than the Bible.
Bigger than my 4th grade Bible class.
Bigger, even, than the label of “Savior” that we put on him.
Even so, I went on to believe all the typical things about Jesus - that he’s my personal Savior who died to save me from my sins so that I could escape hell and have the hope of heaven when I die. I “accepted him into my heart” about 10,000 times over the course of my life and (at one time in my life) even did my best to “evangelize” this message to as many people as possible so that they, too, could escape the clutches of hell like I did.
I dedicated my life to him, quite literally, by signing up to go to Bible College and Seminary to learn as much about Jesus, his life, his message, etc, etc, etc as I possibly could.
I wrote papers.
I read books.
I preached sermons.
I pastored churches.
… All so that I could know more about Jesus and help others to know more about him too.
There came a point in my life, though, where all the scholarly theological stuff didn’t make sense in the context of my life’s circumstances. In other words, there came a time when what I was taught about Jesus didn’t line up with what I was experiencing of Jesus in my life.
I guess you could say that life challenged the (world)view of Jesus that had been carefully constructed over the course of my life and that left me with a choice: I could either keep believing the same stuff OR I could rethink … everything.
Life circumstances …
When my grandma passed away after a long battle with Dementia/Alzheimer’s Disease.
When my wife and I had a miscarriage.
When my daughter was born and touched me for the first time while laying in a NICU tank.
… Life began to happen and unfold in the most unpredictable of ways and suddenly an all-powerful Savior who relieves the suffering of some while standing by and doing absolutely nothing about the suffering of others made no sense to me.
“If THAT’S the kind of Savior Jesus is”, I thought, “one who saves some while letting others suffer and die, then … I don’t know, but Jesus is either a really lousy Savior OR he’s not a Savior at all OR he’s a different kind of Savior than THAT Savior, the one I was told he is.”
And so after a winding journey that has led me to January 12, 2023, I’m at this place in my life where I absolutely adore Jesus and still see him as my “Savior” … just not THAT kind of Savior.
Because THAT kind of Savior Jesus (the one I grew up being told about) is the Jesus who not only picks and chooses who he'll be Superman for …
Whose circumstances he’ll swoop into make better.
Whose homes he’ll save from hurricanes or tornadoes or fires.
Whose parents he’ll save from cancer.
Whose child he’ll protect from being raped.
Whose baby he’ll protect from a miscarriage.
… BUT he's also the Jesus who does little more than show me all the things that I'm not.
Right?
Because (over the course of my life) when I looked upon THAT Jesus and all of his perfection and beauty and holiness, I couldn’t help but see how IMPERFECT I was, how UGLY my life and motives and heart were, and how UNHOLY my thoughts, actions, etc. were.
Jesus was a mirror, in a way, that reminded me of everything that I wasn’t and (thus) kept me coming back for more …
Back to church.
Back to the offering plate.
Back to my Bible.
Back to prayer.
Back to repentance.
Back to confession.
… because the more I looked upon THAT Jesus, the more unworthy I felt; and the more unworthy I felt, the more I continued to come back and back and back for more and more and more.
These days, though, I still see Jesus as my Savior even if he’s not THAT Savior. And I still love Jesus very much. Like I said earlier, I still talk to him, think about him, and even wonder “what would Jesus do?” on occasion. And I read about the stories written of him in the Gospels as well as the stories written about him in other non-Canonical/Biblical Gospels (Gospel of Thomas, Gospel of Mary, etc, etc, etc).
And so (for me) …
Jesus didn’t “die for my sins”.
And there’s no reason for me to “invite him into my life.”
He didn’t die to save me from his angry dad in heaven.
His dad isn’t even angry!
There’s no hellfire waiting for people who believe the wrong things.
He doesn’t really care what atonement theory I subscribe to or even if I care about the atonement.
He’s not interested in what church I go to or if I even go to church at all.
Instead.
Jesus is my Savior because he held up a mirror to me not to show me all that I’m not, but to remind me of all that I am.
Yes.
You see, when I look at Jesus, the point of his life isn’t to show me what a screw up I am and how much I need him in my heart or life, but to remind me that I am (and always have been) who he is …
That wired into me is the potential to live JUST as he lived.
To love just as he loved.
To include just as he included.
To show grace just as he showed grace.
To challenge the system just as he challenged the system.
To not give a crap what anyone thinks of me just as he didn’t give a crap what anyone thought of him.
To forgive as he forgave.
To help others just as he helped others.
… For me, Jesus is God’s wake up call NOT as “wake up before it’s too late and you end up in hell you rotten little worthless sinner”, BUT “you’ve fallen asleep on your life, you’ve forgotten who you are, you’re not living to your fullest potential because you’re getting buried beneath the problems and worries and concerns of life and it’s causing you to be a different version of yourself. So look at Jesus. Read his stories. Meditate on his words. Talk to his Spirit. And REMEMBER who you are. Wake up to the truth of who you really are. You and the Divine are ONE just as he and the Father are one … live like it, live like him."
Yes.
Jesus is my Savior, the one who has saved me from a lifetime of …
Forgetting who I really am.
Forgetting whose image I’ve been created in.
And forgetting the deeply beautiful potential (the breath of God) that lies at the core of my being.
… Jesus IS my Savior, he's just not THAT kind of Savior.
And as my Savior, there is an endless amount of things to consider, meditate upon, wonder about, embrace, and sit in mystery with as I continue to evolve and wake up to remembering who I really am.
Much love,
Glenn
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