What Do I Do Now? (Guest Post, Paul Huffman)
Friends, today we get to hear from one of our podcast listeners. His name is Paul Huffman and he’s one of the most encouraging people I know. He has some wise things to share here, so grab some coffee and let the words do what they will to your heart.
Much love.
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While on our journeys we have all felt driven for something, or by something. A lot of the drive seems to center around what/who we are, what we are to going to do with our lives. What are we ‘called’ to do.
Pleasing God.
Sometimes these things fall into place. Things seem to just happen in an unexplainable order and we end up in whatever vocation we do seemingly effortlessly. Thus feeling we’ve ‘done it right’.
Others have a knack for something. Doctors, Mechanics, electronics, teaching, numbers, etc., and seem to know from birth what they’re to do.
Sometimes we stumble into what we do. We go through school doing the necessary subjects not sure of the end goal. We get a job, and realize this is fun, and we pursue that path.
I think the biggest thing that ends up driving us is when we believe God has particular ‘call’ on our life. A call that we need to discover in order to be ‘in’ his will and get his blessings. A certain job, a certain partner, etc. This drive sends us on a path of a sort that makes us feel like success is the only end.
In all this saying, ‘God has guided my steps’. (Makes me feel like a pawn on a chess board.)
And we struggle.
We begin to feel that we are out of his will, or haven’t found that right path yet, and we continue to strive. We wonder what we’ve missed, what we didn’t hear.
This begins a roller coaster ride for our emotions. We get so concerned over failing, and then feeling that we have failed God. So we try harder. We get discouraged, feel hopeless. Guilt and shame become our driver.
And then our thoughts about all this change. We begin to ask questions. We ask, what if? We begin to look at things through different lenses.
This can change our direction and we can begin to question our faith.
And as our faith journey changes, and we begin to rethink things surrounding our faith, we can struggle with feeling we are failing God in a new way.
But something won’t let us stop this rethinking.
As we walk this road, we can feel lost. The old ways of how we see God, the Bible, and how we look at the people around us just doesn’t set well in our spirit. Too much us and them, who’s in and who’s out, rules and expectations. Too much finger pointing at those not on the ‘right’ path. We will be told we have left the faith, are listening to the wrong voices.
Yet still, we continue. We feel lost, abandoned, outcast.
And we wonder.
What do I do now?
I don’t have the same drive any more. At least not the same way. If I am not expected by God to chase those things as I used to believe I had to, then what.
I was walking the other day, and I began to wonder on this thought of what am I supposed to be driving towards. Having lost the drive for the need to ‘be perfect’, to do it right, and fulfill my part. Mostly because I know God loves me. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because He is love! Learning He IS pleased with me.
But it feels weird.
I ask the question, ‘what if I’m not supposed to work that hard?
What if we’re not supposed to be driven like this. What if doing what we love is ok? What if success is more about just living and being on the journey. What if all we have ever needed to do is love our neighbor, no matter who they are, what they believe, what their lifestyle choice may be. Love my neighbor.
It’s a different ‘drive’, but not striving.
What if the sudden loss of the drive is what rest really feels like?
I can just do a job that satisfies, provides for my family. And that ladder I’m supposed to climb is simply to reach the top of the Christmas tree to put on the star.
It is a strange feeling, but a I think I can live with it.
If what my faith is becoming makes me freer, makes loving those around me easier, and makes me much less judge mental, and all means all.
How is this wrong?
Paul