Hattie The Heretic Hat
We have a podcast listener whose incredible son recently came out to her as Transgender. His name is Jae and he wears one of our Heretic Hats to school every day. The hat has become a sense of security for him as well as a friend as it’s sort of taken on an entity of its own in their home. The other day his mom wrote this short story from the perspective of the hat and sent it my way and I had to share it with you (with their permission, of course).
Why do we do what we do here at the What If Project? Why do I make seemingly offensive products for the Heretic Shop and kick some hornets nests along the way? So that people can tap into their own inner courage to be themselves, use their own voices, and feel like they belong.
Meet Jae’s friend, Hattie the Heretic Hat …
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My earliest memory is waking up in a warehouse in the middle of a pile plain black crowns exactly like me. Rough hands picked us up and tossed us onto a worktable amidst the whir of industrial sewing machines. Half of my pile was assigned turquois visors and the rest of us were assigned pink ones. I lucked out and received turquois. I say I lucked out as it comes into play in the rest of my memories.
Next the rough hands applied our identity to our crowns. At first, we were confused, but it became clear later. We had needles stitching one simple word to us. The word? Heretic. The T is filled with colours and is shaped like a cross. I didn’t really understand it, but I knew it represented someone who didn’t want to just blend in with the status quo.
I quickly became one of the coolest hats in town. We were all so excited. We had no idea where we would end up, but as we were packed up into a shipping box, we chatted about just sensing that we were going to make a difference. Would we be gifts? Would we be going to a conference? Would we be chosen by the individual to wear? Would we end up tossed into a closet with no one wearing us? That last one was what frightened us all so much. We didn’t want to be relegated to a closet. A closet sounds like the most scariest place to be – dark, dusty, not living up to our fullest potential of what we’ve been designed to be.
I had no idea of the adventure on which I was about to embark. We ended up in the basement of the most wonderful little family. The chatter and buzz of this family was so wonderful. A wee girl playing with mom and dad brought us so much joy. As we sat amongst other clothing items, we just rested, waiting, listening to tea parties, movie nights, and the fast clack of the computer keyboard as the family worked and played together.
Every once in a while, one of us would be plucked out of the piles. Dad would pray over the chosen item, carefully put it in the box, and send it away. We heard him tell Mom that it was going to a new owner to be worn with pride. Mom is an amazing lady as she gets excited every time Dad sends off a new item.
While laying quietly in our piles, we whispered and wondered who is receiving our friends. We realize that the orders have something to do with Dad’s frantic typing and calm talking with his friends into the computer. His voice and those of his friends can go anywhere in the world through that computer. I hoped with everything I was designed to be, to be not only chosen, but to be sent somewhere exciting – to fulfill a purpose.
The day came in the summer. Most of the play and work was being done outside these days. Dad’s chats were inside, but the computer was often moved out into the sunshine as were the tea parties. The lights were out in the basement as we quietly waited for our adventures to continue.
Dad came down the stairs and flicked on the light. He sorted through us and reached for me! I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited. I felt his gentle hands hold me as his head nodded forward and soft words came from his lips. He was praying that I would arrive safely and be a help to whomever received me. He had no idea why I was being ordered, but I was headed out in a box while a shirt was being released in a bag. My adventure was continuing. I was so excited.
A lady driving a yellow truck grabbed me and tossed me into the back to enjoy a bumpy ride. The label said that I was leaving the country! I was actually going to a different land. It didn’t look too different, but I was ok with anywhere as long as I didn’t end up in some cold, dark closet.
Finally, the journey seemed to be over as I had been tossed from truck to truck. Harried, hurried hands carried me to the door and passed me onto a young girl who tossed me onto a soft surface and left the room. I waited for a few hours and then I sensed the lights turn on. The light grew as eager hands cut through the tape and opened the box. There was a new mom. Mom put her hand over her mouth as she smiled. She called out to someone named H. She then started whispering for H to look at me. They were discussing whether or not someone named Jae would like me. H seemed to think so.
Quickly Mom closed up my box and tossed me onto the shelf. I waited a couple of weeks there. I had no idea why. At least in a dark closet, I could talk with the other items. This was such a lonely time for me. I was just waiting. I heard life moving on around me. My box got moved a few times, but no one opened it up to let me see where I had arrived. I was in the dark and so alone. If only I could be what I was designed to be – a hat, a covering, a cherished clothing item worn with pride.
Finally, on one of the hottest days of the year, I was pulled off the shelf. Mom taped up my box again. Was I being sent away? I almost panicked but chose to listen. There was excited chatter. I was passed to new hands. They tore the fresh tape away and grabbed me. Quickly, my crown was popped open with the protective cardboard removed. I was plunked onto the head of a vibrant young teenage girl.
I was finally home!
I just knew that this new home would be a special place. It didn’t matter that the hair beneath me was often ignored and messy. I was truly being worn with pride. I was tossed onto a desk when Jae entered the house. I was grabbed and shoved onto her head when she went out. Apparently, she had just turned 13 and I was a birthday present. H had received a backpack from my old home and Mom was the one wearing the t-shirt. It was so good to see people from back home, now transplanted in Canada. I felt such belonging when Jae put me on her head. THIS was my adventure.
Mom and Jae went for walks in the dark evenings. I was constantly watching to protect my new friend. We would often meet friends along the way and walk down by the creek to feed the ducks there. I would hear Jae and her friend singing at the top of their lungs as the park. My girl loved to sing. Her voice was so pure and beautiful – just like the fresh water flowing in the creek. Our evening walks were my favourite part of the day.
It was on those walks that I heard Jae and Mom chatting about school starting. I wondered if I’d be allowed to go to school with Jae or if I would be relegated to a closet once the schedule changed. Oh, if only I’d be allowed. Having spent so much time in dark places, I dreaded the closet. It seemed like the very worst place to live.
The first day of school came. Jae did get to wear me, but then she had to take me off in the classroom. There were other kids in the class. Jae seemed nervous. I wanted to stay on her head to let her know she wasn’t alone. All the kids tucked their hats in their packs and pushed off their hoods letting them hang down their backs as they studied. The beautiful faces were covered with masks. This was to protect them from sickness. I wished I could help, but I just couldn’t. At least I was grabbed out of the pack and shoved back into place when Jae was on her way home on the massive school bus.
The next few weeks I didn’t know if I was going to school or not. Jae seemed to be having troubles at school. Often, I heard her yelling at Mom. Mom sometimes yelled back. There seemed to be a lot of pain in the house right now. I patiently waited on the desk until Jae grabbed me in frustration and took off to school. It hurt, but I knew it was something I could do to help her. I often remembered back to when first Dad and Mom prayed over me before sending me off to my adventure. This was what I was meant to do – simply be here for my girl. I would do it the very best way I could.
Our evening walks continued. Mom and Jae were at peace as they walked by the creek and rode the swings lighted only by the lights of the tennis court. One night it became clear that my Jae needed help. She was living my most horrible nightmare. She was in a dark closet. Every time Mom tried to drag her out into the world, the darkness of the closet overwhelmed her. My Jae grabbed Mom’s hand one night as we walked home in the dark. Finally, she had the courage to tell Mom what was happening. My Jae wasn’t really a girl after all. My Jae was a boy in a girl’s body. No wonder there was anxiety.
Once it was out, Mom almost knocked me off Jae’s head as she hugged him. The look on her face was actually relief. I think she thought there was something really wrong with Jae. Oh, this wasn’t going to be easy, but they could work it out together.
Mom reached out and flicked at my visor. She said, “Who knew this would be so prophetic?!” Jae just said, “That’s why I loved it so much when I saw it.” My kid LOVES me! I would proudly sit atop his head when he chose me each morning.
I wish I could say we went to school every day after that, but Jae was still struggling. Yet, the morning misunderstandings were fewer and much quieter. Jae started talking to a person on the computer. He even told them about me! Mom told Jae that “Heretic” means “Christian Rebel” or someone who pushes against Christian traditions to be exactly who God created them to be, someone who asks the hard questions, and looks at their theology to make sure it aligns with Jesus and not just the church.
Mom explained that the T being in the shape of a cross stitched with rainbow colours represented Jesus’ love for people in the LGTBQ+ world. Jae already knew that of course, but I think it made Mom feel better saying it out loud. I loved it when Mom reached for her t-shirt to wear some of her own comfort. She was learning and growing and just being the best mom she could be. I felt bad for her, but I wasn’t sent to help her. My job was helping Jae – my most beautiful boy.
When Jae went back to school, his class was assigned walking laps around the building to get some outside time. He was walking with a group from his cohort and one of them pointed to me taking note of my rainbow. “Are you a lesbian?” she asked. The entire situation poured out of Jae. He isn’t a lesbian. He is a trans-gender boy that identifies as gay. The entire group cheered for him. There is another trans boy in Jae’s class and he understood why that would add to Jae’s anxiety. Jae felt understood.
I was so happy that this was what I had been sent to do. I had helped my boy walk out of the closet and into his created life. Mom cried when Jae told her the story. I had helped my boy find peace.
No, not every day was perfect. Jae still missed some school, but we went more often than we had before. We passed Canadian Thanksgiving and were heading towards colder weather. I knew that soon Jae would need to wear a different hat, but I also knew that my destiny had been fulfilled and I was going to enjoy every moment that I was placed on that precious head.
At lunch one day, Jae and his cohort started talking about hats and hoods. They discussed how they didn’t like the rule of not being allowed to wear them in class. They figured that time had changed and the rules should adjust too. They spoke to their teacher. She allowed the students to begin a movement in their school. They would write persuasive essays to their school administration explaining why they should be permitted to wear their hats and hoodies in class.
Jae told Mom about the movement and Mom asked Jae to explain why it was such a big deal. She wasn’t disagreeing but wanted to help Jae talk it out so that the essay could be that much better. I heard Jae tell Mom about how I made him feel safe and protected somehow. He felt like he was complete when he was wearing me.
I was so excited. I had truly accomplished what I had been designed to do. I wasn’t sure if Jae and his cohort would be successful in their movement, but I KNEW I had been successful. My simple black crown with its turquois visor had truly found a home. Just imagine how much of an impact the other items in Dad’s basement will make when they find their home along with those living the lives they’ve been created to live.