I Haven't Been To Church In 3 Years

I haven’t stepped foot in a church building in about 3 years. I feel like this post is about to border somewhere between a confession and declaration of freedom.

It feels like a confession because.

Well.

I grew up in a conservative evangelical world where you never missed church and if you did miss church for anything other than your own death or the death of someone close to you … eyebrows were raised and whispers slithered their way through the congregation about how you were “backsliding” or “going astray”. Your name became the focus of prayer meetings not so much because people were praying for you, but because they were talking about you …

“I heard that Mary __________. We should really pray for her.”

“Oh, well I heard that her and her husband __________.”

“Their poor children … __________.”

OH.

And as a pastor? If someone missed church 2 or 3 times in a month I received a phone call from the church board asking ME to pick up the phone and try to find out why they weren’t coming, and the feeling I got was rarely that the church board was concerned for them, but more so that the church board was concerned that their check wasn’t going to make its way to the offering plate.

For me, growing up, not going to church was seen as one of the most horrendous sins a Christian could ever commit and so when I tell you that I haven’t been to church in 3 years there’s a strong wave of shame that I can feel creeping around in the back of my brain waiting to pounce on me and drag me back.

And yet.

At the same time.

I feel that saying the words, “I haven’t been to church in 3 years” is incredibly freeing and it’s freeing because when I was in church …

Involved with a congregation.

Preaching on occasion.

Involved in Bible studies.

Friends with the pastor.

… I always felt like I couldn't really be myself either in person or on my own blog / podcast.

Like I remember this one time back when we lived in NJ we were in church one Sunday and I had recently written a blog post on my old blog that sort of danced around some things regarding hell and left readers with more questions than answers and I remember one of the people in the congregation who used to love and adore every word that came from my mouth … she wouldn’t even look at me.

She had commented on the post and we went back and forth a few times and she went on to call me a false teacher and then questioned my motives around different aspects of my work and all of a sudden I realized something that would profoundly change everything from that moment forward:

“I am not going to be able to remain in this context AND be myself.”

And that was very scary to me.

Because inside I felt that I was growing and expanding and evolving and yet on the outside everyone I found myself surrounded with in my church / spiritual setting expected me to remain the same and stay within the doctrinal boundaries that had been set up for me.

Church people.

Friends.

Family.

Professors.

… Everyone loved my podcast and my blog and all the things I preached about and wrote about and talked about, but the moment I started to poke holes in things like hell and show some support and love for the LGBTQ community and call people to be more faithful in how they read and used the Bible.

I don’t know.

I felt a shift in the air. It was almost a coldness in the way people in church looked at me, the way interactions changed on social media, the way professors and fellow students talked with me in school. On the inside I knew something was happening, I knew there was a significant shift that was getting ready to happen and I sensed that it was good.

BUT.

I knew that such a shift wouldn’t be welcomed by those who were around me and I needed to prepare myself for the difficult journey ahead. And as hard as that journey has been and the even though the road has been paved with a lot of tears, it’s been incredibly freeing to be able to sit down at this computer and …

Write what I want.

Say what I want.

Talk to who I want.

Share my dreams.

Share my thoughts.

Be rawly honest.

… And not give even an ounce of crap what anybody thinks about it.

When I was in my last year of seminary and getting ready to interview at some churches to be a pastor I remember sitting in my advisor’s office and I was in tears. I was literally weeping on this man’s desk and telling him that I didn’t think I wanted to be a pastor. I told him I saw everyone around me going on to be involved in these great ministries and churches and that I just didn’t feel like it was for me and yet I felt like it was what I was supposed to do because what else do you do with a seminary degree?

He laughed and listened and was quite for a while and then he said something I’ll never forget …

“You’ll do the pastor thing for a while, but it won’t be forever. Your creative wings are a bit too big for the church and the church will be like a cage for you. But one day you’ll break free of the cage and spread your wings and everything will be and feel very, very different.”

And so today as I reflect on not having been to church in 3 years I recall my advisor’s words with tears in my eyes because although I didn’t know what he meant then, I do know what he meant now. I was always creative as a pastor and always looking to do out of the box things, but I never really felt free.

Somebody always had something to say about what I was doing.

What I was teaching.

What I was studying.

What I was reading.

The people I was talking to or about.

I was constantly being told what books I was allowed to read and wasn’t allowed to read and constantly felt judged if any of my thoughts about God or the Bible or faith were outside of the doctrinal boxes that had been set up for me.

I never felt free, as a creative person who enjoyed thinking differently … I felt muzzled.

Today, though, I do feel free. And not only do I feel free, but I feel more connected to God than ever before. I’m not here to knock the church or to say that it isn’t meaningful or helpful or even necessary. Nor am I saying that I’ll never go back to church again. Rather, I’m saying that this church-less season has been important for me as I’ve learned to find God and community in other places.

I guess I’ve learned that the world is my church, that church doesn’t happen in a specific building with a specific congregation of people, but it happens in the world … with everyone.

On Sunday’s I go to church in my lawn as I mow the grass that 3 years ago was covered in a tremendous amount of garbage left behind by the previous owners of our home.

During the week I go to church on Zoom calls with my Apple friends as we talk about Apple products, customer service, racial reconciliation, mental and emotional health, and so much more.

Once a week I go to church in a podcast recording with an author or thinker that I admire and want to share with our listeners.

Every night at dinner I go to church with my family at the dinner table.

We go to church with our neighbors as we take walks at night and see other people in our community. Sometimes we wave and smile, sometimes we stop and talk. But somehow it feels like God is in the midst of it all.

I go to church once a week when I have an hour long phone call on Monday mornings with my best friend back in NJ.

I go to church a few times a week when I open my Bible in the quietness of the morning with a hot cup of coffee and read from the Old Testament or New Testament or even the (gasp!) Gnostic Scriptures.

Yeah.

Church, God, Jesus, Spirit, Divine - it’s all over the place, all around us, and now that I’ve broken out of the cage of the church I’m free to see the multiple ways that God can be known and experienced and the many ways that relationships can happen. And I imagine that if or when I go back to church again, I’ll be able to see it all so much different than I did as a young 26 year old who was getting ready to graduate from seminary and pastor a church.

When was the last time you’ve been to church? Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s OK. The world is your church and humanity is your congregation.

OR.

Are you tired of church? Tired of going every Sunday? Tired of going through the motions of something you feel like you’ve grown out of? It’s OK to take a break or just never go back again. God isn’t locked up in the church or in your Bible or in Wednesday night Bible study. He’s everywhere. She’s everywhere. They’re everywhere. And it’s OK to step away and bow out and go on a journey.

It. Is. OK.

Much love, friends.