A Challenge to the Quiet Supporters

A lot of followers of the What If Project have mentioned to me their frustration with family and friends who support their "deconstruction journey" in private, but are pretty much silent about it in public.  

"I support you."

"I'll never shame you."

"I don't agree with what you believe, but am cheering you on."

... All the things.  

And they all express to me how much they VALUE the support of those family members and friends, but also share how frustrated they are that this support doesn't really show up when it truly matters.

I've had people say ...

"Where is that support when I'm getting hammered on Facebook?"

"Where was that support over Thanksgiving when Aunt Bernice was ripping into me?"

"Where was my brother's support when my parents told me I'm not welcome in our home anymore?"

"If they support me so much why am I the only one who knows it?  Why are they vocal about their support of me to no one else other than ... me?"

I have a harsh thing to say this morning.  And this may sound mean or smug or whatever.  I don't know.  I also don't care because it's something that the quiet supporters need to hear.

Honestly.

If you can't support those deconstructing people in your life publicly then your private support of them feels fake, forced, and is next to useless.

Yes.

Fake.

Forced.

Useless.

The people in your life who are rethinking their thoughts about God and whose faith is evolving past the traditions you grew up in together - they don't need you to tell them of your support behind closed doors where no one other than them can hear it.

No.

Instead, they need YOU to tell the people from your tribe who insist that your friends or loved ones are evil, that they are heretics, that they have been taken over by the Devil - the deconstructing people in YOUR life need YOU to tell THOSE people that YOU SUPPORT THEM.

"I don't agree with Bill and the things he believes, but I know Bill - I know his heart, I know his intentions, and I know that he is doing his best to pursue God.  Why do you feel the need to be so abusive towards him?"

"I think Mary is way off on a lot of things regarding the Bible, but I know Mary - she is wise, she is intentional with her faith, and I know that she is doing her best to follow God.  How about you lay off of her?"

THIS, friends - THIS is what matters most to people who are deconstructing, this is what deconstructing people hope for in a supporter.

NOT quiet support.

NOT support behind closed doors.

NOT support that the haters and critics can't hear.

BUT.

Support that is out in the open.

Support that is loud.

Support that is proud.

Support that is fearless.

And, really, let's be honest - if you can't express your true thoughts about another human being for fear of being cast out of your tribe.

Well.

Then.

Your tribe is part of the problem.

AND.

If you are so afraid of being cast out of that tribe, if you don't want to publicly support your deconstructing friends because you don't want to lose connection with that tribe ... I would think you have some things to think about and consider because your tribe doesn't seem to reflect the loving, inclusive, and caring person that you're trying to be.

Much love.

Glenn Siepert